“Crushes”

I’ve been thinking about my pain condition recently, and it occurred to me to wonder – would I be asexual if I wasn’t in constant pain?

My first crush happened when I was in second grade. And it was adorable and so cute, and mostly me thinking he was cute and that I wanted to dance with him. (I was very into ballet.)

Subsequent crushes were, looking back, more me realizing that certain boys were conventionally attractive than actually being attracted. My first romantic relationship happened completely by accident. My best friend at the time asked me who I liked, and I sort of picked a cute guy from our class at random. To my utter dismay, she proceeded to tell a guy friend of hers, who proceeded to tell the boy in question, who apparently had a large crush on me. It was in the sixth grade, and nothing more than hugging and handholding happened, but it was the longest romantic relationship I have had. We were together for either just under or just over a year (I can’t really remember). And despite knowing logically that it wouldn’t last, I was completely heartbroken when he broke up with me. (Right before I had major surgery, the jerk.)

With every subsequent boyfriend, I found that I would have preferred to just get to be friends with each of them rather than jumping into a romantic relationship.

I haven’t had a boyfriend in two and a half years, and much as those relationships were strange and not really what I needed or should have been looking for, I miss it.

(Wow, this strayed quite a bit from the original question, didn’t it? I’m not sure if I’d be asexual or aromantic without my pain condition, but I’m also not sure it’s worth even asking. There’s no use dwelling in what-ifs.)

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